


Broken Heart

by ailaikannu



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Clexa, Clexa Endgame, College AU, F/F, Happy Ending, Heartbreak, Illness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-07-27
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:37:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 15,202
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6684094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ailaikannu/pseuds/ailaikannu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke and Lexa have been together for a little bit over than two years, but everything changes when Clarke decides it's over. She uses a stupid excuse to break up with Lexa, but there's a huge secret that will change both of their lives forever. The whole story is going to be told from Lexa's point of view.<br/>I warn you, this is going to be pretty sad. I might be a masochist, because I really enjoy depressing stories. You know what I don't like, though ? Sad endings. Full of drama and tears, but it will eventually have a happy ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hurt Me

**Author's Note:**

> Please guy let me know if you want me to go on with this or if it sucks and I should just stop.

_“I’m sorry.”_

Lexa’s heart ached with those words, she couldn’t believe it was happening. It couldn’t be happening to them. They were Clarke and Lexa and they loved each other. Nothing and nobody had ever come between them. She gasped for air, trying to speak.

“Is it him ?” She asked, her voice like a whisper.

Clarke stared at her, unable to talk. Her eyes were glossy with tears, her lips were trembling. She didn’t need to explain, Lexa understood. She knew she was right. It _was_ him.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke said, looking away.

It felt like the world had just collapsed on her shoulders. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, she couldn’t talk. Her heart was shattered into million pieces, there was no going back from this. This wasn’t like their normal fights, it wasn’t like anything they’d experience before. Clarke was choosing a random dude over her, the girlfriend she had loved for a little bit over two years. Lexa felt like she was going to die at any moment.

“I thought I was the only one.” She commented, her voice shaking. “I thought you’d never cheat on me.”

Clarke’s eyes shot up and she stepped towards Lexa. “I didn’t ! I would never cheat on you, I’m not a monster.”

Lexa felt a bit relieved, but her world was still falling apart. “Aren’t you ?”

She couldn’t take it anymore and decided to walk away. She couldn’t bear to look at Clarke anymore. She took in Clarke’s facial features for one last time, determined not to see her again. The blonde was crying, possibly more than Lexa herself was. There space between the two of them felt like a thousand miles, even if it was just a few inches. They’d never been as far away from each other as they were in that moment.

“You’re free now.” She said, harsher than expected. She didn’t want to be the victim, she didn’t want Clarke to know what she’d done to her. She turned around and walked away, leaving Clarke on the sidewalk. She counted the steps to her front door, remembering all those times Clarke had walked those steps with her. She thought about the first time Clarke had walked her to her door. She thought about those few moments of panic between “goodnight, Lexa” and their first kiss. She thought about how that kiss had made her feel. She thought about the chills she felt running down her spine and how she felt like she could fly. She thought about the hundred roses that were delivered to that door on their first anniversary. Clarke had been her world and she couldn’t believe it was over.

She unlocked the front door and went to her bedroom, where she collapsed on her bed. That place didn’t feel like it belonged to her. She felt out of place. She lay there for hours, just crying her heart out. She never moved, she never got up. Then there was a knock on the door, and Anya walked in. To avoid her gaze, Lexa turned her head to face the window. She realized it was the middle of the night, it made her cringe.

“You should stop.” Anya said. “You’ve been here crying for like ten hours, it’s two a.m. Please, just sleep.”

Lexa knew she wasn’t going to sleep. How could she ? How was she ever going to sleep again ? It felt pointless. She didn’t speak, it wasn’t necessary.

“Lexa..” Anya sat down next to her. “Can you at least explain what happened ? Did you fight with Clarke ? You know she can’t stay mad at you for too long !”

Lexa looked at her, her eyes red and swollen. “She broke up with me.”

Her voice was so broken it shattered Anya’s heart. “What ?” She asked, in surprise. “Why ?”

She would have never expected this to happen. They were so in love it made her sick.

“There was this guy in Advanced Algebra with us, I hated him from day one. She seemed to find him amusing and quite charming. Apparently, she thought he was better than me.” Lexa explained, feeling her heart aching with every word she said. College with Clarke was amazing, even if they were majoring in two different subjects, because they still got a few classes together.

“Oh, come on. She’s probably just a bit confused, she’ll come back, eventually.”

“Will she ?”

Her voice was like a whisper, but loud enough to make her heart ache. Anya didn’t answer, unsure of what to say. Lexa was clearly destroyed and her sister knew it could only lead her back to her dark self. She tended to be self-destructive when she was sad. And this kind of sadness was rough, raw and real.

Anya was worried about her little sister.

She didn’t want her to go back to her darkly depressed self. Clarke had made her realize what happiness really was and it had been stripped from her too early. Lexa wasn’t ready to suffer again. Anya was sure her sister didn’t know how to cope with heartbreak. Not when it came from Clarke. Not when it came from the love of her life.

 


	2. Going Back

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit of sad Lexa and then they meet again.

She spent nearly two weeks in that foreign bed, drowning in tears and booze. Life felt pointless and nothing seemed to be enough to stop her from falling into that doomed spiral of depression. She was digging herself deeper and deeper into a dark, painful whole, where nothing really mattered. She was missing Clarke, everything about her. She missed her laughter, her voice, her words of comfort, her presence. She missed her sky blue eyes, her blond locks, her smile, her perfume, her soft skin. Her bedroom felt empty, even though it was filled with stuff that had no importance to Lexa.

"Please just go outside for a while." She heard Anya say from right outside her door. Her sister had tried to help her, she thad tried to talk to her, but it had only resulted in Lexa denying her access to her room. She only left her bedroom to go to the bathroom and seldom to eat. "You need fresh air."

She knew her sister was only trying to help her, but human contact seemed to annoy her. "The window's open." She mumbled. She heard her sister sigh on the other side of the door, before leaving. Lexa knew she was a mess, but it didn't bother her. Her heart had been shattered, it was okay to feel what she was feeling. The only thing helping her was wine. Her sister had tried to hide it from her, but she always managed to find it when Anya was at work. The sense of inebriation that the wine gave her made her forget for a few hours what had happened.

"You're going back to college tomorrow, I hope you know that."

She was somehow fascinated by Anya's persistence. She knew she couldn't miss too many lectures and had agreed to go back to college after two weeks of despair. It was going to be hard, or possibly infuriating. She was going to see Clarke again. And she was going to be with that guy from Algebra. Lexa was going to see them together.

She was going to see them _happy._

How was she going to survive the day without wine ? And how was she supposed to survive the whole week considering she had gotten used to staying awake till five in the morning and sleeping during the day ?

_"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving."_

Clarke's voice echoed in her mind. Life was more than just surviving when they were together. Now, Lexa thought, surviving was her only option. So she closed her eyes, hoping to slip out of consciousness. When she woke up the next morning, it was too early for her to even think about getting up. She heard Anya call for her from downstairs and eventually decided to get up and get dressed. She walked to the bathroom, where she was scared to death by her own reflection. Her hair was a mess and the dark bags under her still swollen eyes made her realize it would take her longer than expected to get ready. She didn't really enjoy using make up, but she looked like she had been using heroin for the past two weeks and she didn't want people to talk behind her back. With her hair up in a messy bun and concealer and foundation on her face, she looked almost decent. She walked downstairs to find pancakes and bacon on a plate.

"You know I'm not hungry, I might just drink some coffee."

"No, you won't." Anya scowled at her. "You've been surviving on wine and cheez-its for two weeks, time for a real breakfast."

Lexa stared at her for a second. Her sister was possibly more stubborn that she was, so she sat down and slowly ate her breakfast. Anya had offered to drive her to school, but she had decided to go by feet, to clear her mind before entering what was probably going to be hell for her. Luckily, though, she didn't have Algebra on Mondays, which meant no damn boy on her classes for her first day back. She did have Writing for Graphic Forms with Clarke though.

She walked to her first class of the morning, Writing Poetry. Poetry was not really her thing. She was majoring in Creative Writing and her goal was to become a screenwriter. It was a pretty boring lecture and Lexa was glad when she heard the professor say :

“Class is over, you’re dismissed.”

She lazily walked to her next lecture and sat down on her usual spot. She closed her eyes for a second, trying to remember why she had agreed to go back to college. She shot them open when she heard a familiar voice from the hallway.

“Yeah, I’ll see you later.”

It took her a second to spot Clarke on the doorway and their eyes locked immediately. Lexa felt the air being sucked out of her and swallowed hard when she saw Clarke walking towards her.

“Hey.” The blonde said. For a moment, Lexa pondered ignoring her ex-girlfriend. But what good could that do ?

“Hello, Clarke.” She looked up and felt immediately guilty. The look Clarke was giving her was not what she expected. She looked hurt. The blonde had always loved the way Lexa said her name and maybe she was suffering too. Clarke sat a few rows behind Lexa and it felt weird.

And wrong.

They had gotten together before starting college and they had chosen their majors together. Clarke was majoring in Visual Arts and she spent most of her free time painting and drawing. They had chosen a few elective classes together, because they didn’t want to spend too much time apart. It had made Lexa happy in the past, but it was going to kill her now that they were broken up. When the class was over, she gathered her things and got up, but was stopped by Jasper.

“You’re back !” He commented.

She knew that Clarke was standing right behind her, but was surprised when Jasper said

“And you’re back too ! Clexa is back !”

Lexa turned around and glanced curiously at Clarke who sighed loudly. “I came back today as well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all... THANK YOU GUYS SO MUCH ! This story is getting so much positive feedback (I'm kind of glad to see that I'm not the only sadistic pshycopath in here) and I really hope you'll keep enjoying it !  
> So, picture this.  
> I upgrade my laptop from Windows 8.1 to Windows 10. Everything goes smoothly, except... A folder disappears from my desktop. Guess what was in that folder ? Every single one of my fanfictions. I had alredy written 6 chapters for this fanfiction and like 5 for the other one I'm working on. Now I have to write everything again and I am literally going crazy.   
> Sorry if this sucks, guys.


	3. Missing you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back, my dear sadistic friends ! I know this is kind of late, but I want this story to be sad, without killing you all (and myself while I write). Balancing sadness with the plot is pretty hard. (I should know, I only write sad stories :D )  
> Aaaaaaaaand two flashbacks for you guys !

She looked at the blonde standing right in front of her with wide eyes.

“Oh.” Jasper whispered. “I might have to go now, bye girls.” He ran away, realizing the mistake he had made. 

He left, leaving Clarke and Lexa alone. Clarke was not willing to leave Lexa’s gaze, even when the confusion in Lexa’s eyes turned into what Clarke realized was indifference.

“Yeah, me too.” Lexa said. Her cold, flat, voice left Clarke speechless. It was as if Lexa had no feelings. Not anymore. She watched the brunette walk away and remained where she was for several minutes.

Lexa walked to her next class and then to another one. Seeing Clarke hadn’t had the effect she had hoped for. In her mind, she knew she wasn’t over her. She knew her heart was still aching for her. She thought she’d be okay. She thought seeing her wasn’t going to make her want to rip her heart off her chest. She was so wrong.

Why had Clarke missed school for two weeks ? Had she been sad ? Had she been lying in bed for hours like Lexa had, unable to move ? Had she been crying her eyes out every time she thought about her ? Had she been wanting to die like Lexa had ? 

Or had she spent the past two weeks with that boy ? Celebrating the break-up with Lexa ?

Lexa would never get to know.

She walked to a lecture she shared with both Octavia and Raven, Clarke’s best friends. She didn’t know how it was going to go. She hadn’t seen neither Octavia nor Raven since the break-up. Octavia had texted her a couple of times, but she had given up after Lexa had opted to ignoring her. It was easier that way.

Octavia and Lexa had been friends for quite a long time. They used to be in the same soccer team in High School. It was actually because of Octavia that Clarke and Lexa had ended up dating in the first place.

_“Are you coming with me tonight, pretty please ?” Octavia asked, looking at Lexa._

_“I didn’t come last time, and the time before that, why would I come tonight ?” Lexa looked at her, raising an eyebrow._

_“JUST BECAUSE !”_

_“Tell me the truth, Octavia.” Lexa was fixing her hair, fidgeting with her braids.  
_

_“Alright.” Octavia said, sheepishly looking at her captain. “There might be someone I want you to meet.”_

_“Who would that be ?”_

_“A friend of mine… I’ve known her for like… Ever, and you should meet her.” Octavia was gaining confidence. She had been thinking about introducing Lexa to Clarke for quite a long time, but she had never found the courage to actually talk to either of them about it. Clarke had just started being comfortable with being bisexual and she wasn't sure she was ready for someone who was out and proud, like Lexa was.  
_

_“Why ?” Lexa was getting curious._

_“Just because she’s definitely not your type.” Octavia grinned widely._

_“My type ? I don’t have a type !” Lexa hissed. “Wait, you said not my type.”_

_“She isn’t your type ! I know you normally go for brunettes, like myself, I might add.” Her grin got even wider.  
_

_“I like dated two girls in my whole life ?”_

_“Yes, both brunettes.” Octavia giggled. "And whenever you find someone attractive you go for dark hair."  
_

_“I don’t have a type.” Lexa stated. “But I will come, because you’re annoying.”_

_"Good girl." Octavia said. "She's smart, funny, easy going. Blond hair, sky blue eyes... You'll like her."_

 

She definitely had a type.

And that type was Clarke. Anything Clarke related still made her heart jump in her chest.

“Yo, Lexa !”

A well known voice startled her from her thoughts.

“Hello, Raven. Hi, Octavia.”

“How are you ? Haven’t see you in a long time.”

“Yeah… I… I didn’t feel like being here for a while. I’m good, though…” _Liar_. “You ?”

“We’re good, we’re good… Care to sit with us ?”

Lexa thought a long time about making up something to walk away from them, but nothing seemed to work in her mind.

“Yes, sure.” She sat down and placed her laptop on the desk in front of her. The moment the screen lit up, she felt the wind getting knocked out of her.

She hadn’t worked on her laptop for quite a long time, since she took most of her notes on a notebook… But there was this particular professor who spoke way too fast for handwritten notes.

“Oh.” She breathed hard. “I should change that.”

She stared at the picture of her and a smiling Clarke for a full minute. It was her favourite picture of them. They were both looking at the camera, smiling widely at it. 

_"I love it, I just love it." Clarke said, excitedly. "I mean, look at us ! The sun is like shining through our eyes."  
_

_"I think our eyes look that bright because of how happy we are."  Lexa said, taking the printed picture of them in her hands._

_Clarke stared at her, loving her girlfriend's cheesiness. "Give me that, I need it for a second."_

_She grabbed the picture and ran to her bedroom, while yelling "You stay there !"_

_Lexa patiently waited for a few minutes. Clarke came back about ten minutes later, with the picture hidden behind her back._

_"Close your eyes." She demanded. Lexa did and was surprised when Clarke kissed her. A quick peck on the lips, that sent shivers down her spine._

_"Okay, you can open them."_

_Lexa opened her eyes, to find the picture on the coffee table right in front of her. One thing had changed on the picture, there was now a quote, beautifully painted by Clarke right beneath their faces._

**_Then the Sky met the Ground and they fell in love._ **

_  
_ Lexa felt her heart ache at the memory and quickly opened the document with the notes.

 

“I need to tell you something.” Octavia said, all of a sudden. Lexa turned her head to face her and waited for her to talk.

“We kind of missed you, Woods.” She started. “I know it’s probably really hard for you to look at us right now… But we’re your friends too.”

Lexa stared at Octavia, astonished by what she had just said. “I know, I know. I’m sorry if I’ve been a crappy friend… This is… Harder than anything I’ve ever been through.”

“We’re here.” It was Raven talking, this time. “For whatever you might need. Don’t hesitate to text us.”

Lexa felt grateful for the first time in two weeks. “Alright, will do. Thank you guys.”

Both Octavia and Raven nodded and smiled at her, just before the professor entered the classroom. When classes were over, Lexa walked home with even more questions than before. She found Anya waiting for her on the couch, looking obviously preoccupied.

“How did it go ?”

“I’m not sure.” Lexa stated. “Something’s off with her.”

“What do you mean ?” Anya asked, with a frown.

“I don’t know. I really don’t know. It’s… I don’t know how to explain it, it’s a feeling. I know something’s off. She’s not… She doesn’t look okay. She doesn’t feel okay.” She didn’t know how to explain what her heart felt. She was sure the connection she had with Clarke had something to do with it. It had been like that for years. Whenever Clarke was sad, Lexa couldn’t help but feel sad as well. When Clarke was happy, Lexa was happy. It was difficult for her to detach herself from Clarke’s emotions.


	4. I'm not leaving

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa finds out why Clarke broke up with her.

Lexa walked to class that morning more tired than usual. She had been back to college for about three weeks and was managing well. She saw Clarke sometimes, but the girl was skipping classes a lot.

Lexa figured she was with mystery boy.

Thinking about him made her heart clench in her chest. But then she figured he made her happy and that was enough to keep her going. Her days were boring and uneventful, they mostly consisted in going to class and then back home to study when she had to or lying in bed for hours, sometimes crying. Mostly crying. She still wasn't capable of controlling her feelings. She managed not to cry in front of Clarke, but her heart skipped a beat anytime she was to lay her eyes on the blonde.  


She took her usual sit and sat down. The two desks beside hers were empty, how weird. Octavia and Raven never skipped class. Well, Raven did sometimes, but it was uncommon for the both of them to be absent. Lexa shrugged and placed her laptop on her desk. The lecture was boring and Lexa felt grateful when a knock on the door stopped the professor from talking.

“Enter.” He was clearly annoyed.   


Lexa chuckled, but felt suddenly confused when she saw Octavia running to talk to the teacher. She looked concerned and her expression made Lexa suddenly alert. Something was wrong.

She saw Octavia whispering to the professor, who nodded slightly.

“Miss Woods, you’re excused.”

She froze for a second, because if Octavia was the reason why she was being excused from class, it meant something had happened to Clarke.

Something really bad.

She ran to Octavia, almost forgetting her laptop on her desk.

When they were finally in the hallway, Lexa waited for Octavia to talk.

“So, this is going to be hard and I need you to sit down.” Octavia was stuttering, which made Lexa even more worried than she was. Octavia didn’t stutter.

“Why ?”

“Just sit down, please.”

Lexa did as asked, her concern growing with each second passing by.

“Clarke lied to you.” Octavia blurted out.

“I haven’t really talked to Clarke lately.” Lexa commented, shrugging.

“When she broke up with you. She lied to you.” Octavia was breathing hard.

“Please, elaborate.”

“She told you it was because of Finn, the algebra boy… Right ?”

Lexa nodded.

“It’s not true. Not even slightly.”

Lexa was growing impatient. What was Octavia talking about ? Lexa had never even considered that Clarke could be lying to her. She knew that Clarke wouldn’t lie to her, even while breaking up. They had been together for too long to end up lying to one another. It just didn’t make sense. It wasn’t them. They were better than this.  


“Do you remember when Clarke and I went to see her doctor because she was swelling a little on her face like two months ago ?” Octavia swallowed.

“Yeah, she said everything was…” Her voice trailed off. Or rather, it was stuck in her throat.

Oh, no.

No.

“What’s wrong ?” She asked.

Octavia just looked at her, unable to talk.

“Octavia, what’s wrong with Clarke ?” Her voice was now demanding and she was getting really concerned.

Octavia took a deep breath. “Turns out she wasn’t okay. They ran some tests on her and found out that she has what they call non-Hodgkin Lymphoma.”

Lexa’s heart skipped a beat. “As in Clarke has cancer ?”

Octavia nodded slightly. “Yes, as in Clarke has cancer.”

The world stopped for what felt like eternity. She could feel tears streaming down her face and her body shaking heavily. Nothing made sense. She felt grateful for sitting down.

“No, it…” Her voice was broken. “It can’t be.”

“But it is, Lexa. I’m really sorry you had to find out this way, but she was trying to hide it from you. She broke up with you so that you wouldn't have to go through it with her. I know it sounds weird, but she didn't want you to suffer.”

“Why are you telling me if she was trying to hide it from me ?”

“Because she fainted this morning and has been in and out of consciousness since we took her to the hospital.” Octavia sighed. “Which was approximatively two hours ago. She needs you.”

Lexa said nothing.

“I know it’s hard. Believe me, I do.” Octavia sighed. “But you need to be strong for her.”

Lexa got up and followed Octavia in the parking lot. Thankfully, Octavia said she had her car parked somewhere, because if Lexa was to drive, they’d both end up dead. Her hands were shaking, her legs were shaking, her soul was shaking. She still couldn’t quite process the revelation.

Cancer often meant death.

Clarke couldn’t die. Clarke needed to be healthy. Clarke needed to be okay. Clarke needed to be well.   


“Did they tell you why she fainted ?” She finally managed to ask, while Octavia drove silently.

“They said it’s probably the chemotherapy. She had her treatment yesterday and she’s supposed to rest the day after, but she insisted on coming to class this morning. Said she was feeling okay. The thing is that chemo takes a huge toll on her body, that's why resting in suggested.”

Lexa’s heart clenched in her chest. “She’s going through chemotherapy ?” Her voice was hoarse, broken.

Octavia nodded. “We’re always with her. ”

“Thank you. I knew right away that you were great friends. I wish I could have been there for her.”

“It’s not your fault if you weren’t there.” Octavia stated. “Now, dry your tears because we’re going in. Remember, stay strong.”

Lexa nodded solemnly while wiping away the tears from her cheeks. They walked to the elevators and then they suddenly were on the fifth floor, walking towards Clarke’s room. Octavia knocked gently on the door and was greeted by Raven. Lexa remained hidden while Octavia and Raven talked.

“She’s awake.” Raven commented, closing the door behind her back. “I’m glad to see you, Woods.”

Lexa smiled weakly at her and nodded. “I know this is almost unreal, but it's happening.Octavia and I are going to the cafeteria. Take your time. Go in when you’re ready… She doesn’t know that you’re here.”

Lexa nodded once again and watched Octavia and Raven walking away before knocking on the door.

“Enter.” The weakness that Clarke’s voice expressed made Lexa cringe. She swallowed hard and took a deep breath. She slowly opened the door and smiled at Clarke. The blonde looked at her in utter disbelief for a few moments.

“Hey, princess.”

Clarke smiled at her. Only Lexa was allowed to call her that.

“Hi..” She pointed at her bed, inviting Lexa to sit next to her."I'm glad you're here... A bit surprised."  


"Octavia came to get me." Lexa commented. "You didn't have to hide this from me, Clarke... I would have been next to you."  


“I’m really sorry you had to find out this way. I desperately wanted you to be with me, I never meant… To hurt you. I know I probably did anyways, but...”

"Yes, this would have been worse. I really wish Finn was the reason, now. I've spent weeks cursing his name, hoping he'd suffer..." Lexa was desperately fighting the tears from coming.  


"Now that you're here, I don't want you to leave. I know it was technically me who left, but... Please don't leave me." Clarke's voice cracked. "I'm scared."  


“It’s okay. Don’t worry, it's going to be okay. I just want you to be better, Clarke. I’m not leaving you. Never again."


	5. Methodical

“The doctor is going to come by soon.” Clarke stated. “He’s going to be mad at me because I went to class.”

Lexa chuckled softly. “He should be. It’s serious, Clarke… You need to rest after your treatment. I know you’re stubborn, but he knows better.”

Clarke nodded softly. “I didn’t want you to suffer.”

Lexa looked at her, confusion on her face.

“I thought breaking up with you would make you stay away from me. I knew it’d be painful, but I was aware that this… All of this, was going to be even worse. I know I shouldn’t have lied to you, but I love you too much to let you live this with me. I thought you’d be mad at me for breaking your heart and I thought your anger would get you through our break up.  I just hoped it’d be over soon and then I was sure my death was going to be easier on you.”

Lexa looked at her, the disbelief evident in her eyes. “Your death ? Clarke, you’re not dying.”

“This might kill me. I was ready to accept it, but I couldn’t do this to you.” Clarke stated.

“I’m here. I’ll be here. And we’ll fight this. Together. We’re stronger together, remember ?” Lexa smiled softly.

Clarke nodded. “Stronger together.”

A soft knock on the door startled them.

“Come in.”

A middle aged man walked in, holding what Lexa assumed to be Clarke’s chart.

“Hello there, how are you feeling ?” He asked, approaching them.

“I’ve been better.” Clarke sighed. “I’ve been worse as well, though. Doctor Jamison, this is Lexa.”

Lexa offered her hand to shake. “Nice to meet you, doctor Jamison.”

“I finally get to meet the famous girlfriend ! You finally plucked the courage to tell her, I see.”

Lexa smiled at him. The famous girlfriend. Clarke had been talking about her.

“I didn’t exactly tell her… Octavia freaked out when I fainted this morning and told her.” Clarke blushed.

“I always knew that girl was smart. I’m glad I finally get to meet you, your reputation precedes you.” He smiled at her again. “Clarke never stops talking about you.”

Lexa blushed profusely.

“Come on, doc !” Clarke joked. “You’re ruining my badass girlfriend image here !”

“I believe she already knows that you’re a sweetheart.” He said. “Now, I’m going to let you go home in a while, but you need to rest next time you have your treatment, am I clear ?”

Clarke nodded sheepishly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s for your own good. You perfectly know how devastating chemotherapy can be. I’ll leave you to it… I’ll see you next Wednesday, Clarke. And I’m guessing I’ll be seeing you as well, Lexa.”

“Yes, you definitely will. I’ll see you on Wednesday, doctor.” Lexa smiled at him. “Thank you.”

The girls both nodded and the doctor walked away.

“So…” Lexa began. “You talk about me ?”

Clarke groaned. “Don’t.”

Lexa grinned and grabbed Clarke’s hand to hold. “I do too, all the time. I really think Anya dreams of me saying your name over and over again now.”

“I know you do, dork.” Clarke smiled at her. “Now I should most definitely get ready to leave. And I need to call Octavia to bring me home.”

“Don’t bother, I’m taking you home.”

Clarke tilted her head. “You don’t need to.”

“I know, I want to.” Lexa stated, matter-of-factly. “Is your mum home ?”

“No… She’s still… I don’t even remember… She is where she was when we last Skyped her.” Clarke said, absentmindedly.

“Still in Zimbabwe ? That was like four months ago. I thought she’d come back for you.” Lexa appeared to be quite confused.

“Yeah, well… It’s not like she knows.”

“She doesn’t know ? How ? What ? Was your plan to go through this shit on your own ?”

“No, Octavia and Raven knew.” Clarke commented.

“Yeah, she’s your mother.”

“You perfectly know she hasn’t exactly been the best mother a daughter could wish for… I just didn’t want to bother her.” Clarke sighed loudly as they were leaving the hospital.

Lexa didn’t argue. She knew Clarke had hard feelings towards her mother since she left after her father’s death. They walked to Lexa’s car and the brunette helped Clarke get in.

“I thought you drove here with Octavia.”

“I did, I texted my sister to bring me my car here, since she was to start her shift at like midday.” She smiled as she browsed through the radio stations before leaving the parking lot. It took them only twenty minutes to get back to Clarke’s place and the blonde was surprised when she saw Lexa opening the front door for her.

“You still have your keys.” She commented. “I thought you’d set them on fire.”

“No, I… They were still where I put them that day.” Lexa sighed.

“I see..”

Clarke perfectly understood. Lexa was methodical. She had put the keys where they belonged and they remained where they were supposed to be.

“Now you go sit on the couch and I’ll make you a tea, alright ? Need anything else ?”

“Would you mind grabbing me a pair of fuzzy socks ? I’m kind of cold.”

“Sure.” As Clarke sat down, she put the kettle on the stove and walked upstairs to Clarke’s bedroom. She gasped when she opened the door and realized that the blonde’s bedroom looked untouched. Lexa’s sleeping shirt was still on her side of the bed, with her glasses on the night stand. Her phone charger was there, next to the book she was reading. The bed was still unmade, the blinds still shut.

She grabbed the socks from Clarke’s drawer and frowned. She walked downstairs and brought Clarke both her tea and her socks.

“Clarke…” She begun. The blonde looked at her. “Have you… Like… Have you been living here ?”

Clarke looked confused. “Yes, I have.”

“But your bedroom looks like you never went there since we left that morning.”

“Ah, yes. I’ve been sleeping in my mum’s bedroom. Couldn’t bear to be there.”


	6. Are you okay ?

Lexa was sitting on the couch, right next to Clarke who was trying to stay awake. Her eyelids were heavy with sleep.

“Okay… You need to rest now, Clarke.” Lexa said. “But like, really rest. You need to get some sleep. I’ll go.”

Clarke looked at her. “Can you stay ?”

_Things were difficult._

_“Are you going to leave again ?” Her voice was like a whisper._

_“Yes, I am. I don’t know when I’ll be back.” Her mother’s voice was cold, distant. Her eyes were empty._

_“Do you have to ?” Clarke looked at her mother, who seemed hesitant for a second._

_“I need to take care of myself, Clarke.” Her mother sighed, shaking her head. “This is not up for discussion.”_

_“Don’t you think that you should be taking care of your daughter first ?” She was broken, tears were flowing down her cheeks. Her dad died and her mother kind of died with him as well. She hadn’t been the same since they’d gotten that call. Clarke hadn’t either, but she was trying her best to be better. She knew nothing would bring her father back, she knew nothing would cure the hole she felt in her heart. She didn’t want her life going to waste, though. She was sad, and crying most nights, but her life went on._

_“I’m gonna go. I’ll see you when I get back.”_

_“Don’t bother coming back.” Clarke ran away, hiding in her bedroom. She grabbed her phone and looked for Lexa’s number. It was pointless, because she knew it by heart._

_“Hi, dear.” Lexa said, picking up. “Everything okay ?”_

_Clarke said nothing, a whimper escaping her mouth._

_“I’ll be right there.” Lexa said, urgently. “Just wait for me.”_

_A few moments later, Lexa was standing in front of Clarke’s front door. The door was unlocked, and she ran inside, to find Clarke sobbing on her bed. She was curled up in a ball, hugging her knees._

_“Hey…” Lexa whispered, laying down next to her girlfriend. With her arm around the blonde’s waist, she begun stroking her hair._

_“She left again.”_

_Lexa sighed, holding Clarke closer to her chest. “I’m sorry, I’m here. You'll be okay.”_

_They stayed cuddled up together for hours, waiting for Clarke to be ready to talk. “I’m so mad at her, she waited for me to turn eighteen so that she could leave for good. Dad died like six months ago… How can she be this heartless ? I’m her daughter. She didn’t even look back before leaving. She said she was gonna go and she fucking left me there.”_

_“I’m sure she’ll come around. She’ll understand that she made a mistake. Once she realizes how bad she misses you, she’ll be back.” Lexa’s voice was soft, gentle. Her hands were still stroking Clarke’s hair, trying to soothe her._

_“Can you stay ?”_

_“Tonight, you mean ?” Lexa looked at her._

_“Yes. Or, like… Forever ?” Clarke kissed her softly. “I want to have you here with me at all times. You could move in with me.”_

_Lexa thought about it for a second, before nodding her head. “Yes, sure. I’ll have to talk to Anya first, then I’ll be here. Forever.”_

 

“Tonight or like, forever ?” She smirked at the blonde who was looking at her with wide eyes.

“How do you still manage to remember that ?”

“I remember everything about you, Clarke.” Lexa commented. “And it happened like one year ago, not fifty.”

“Still. It’s impressive.” Clarke said, looking at her in awe.

“But you remembered it as well. So it’s not like it’s anything exceptional.”

Clarke groaned and rolled her eyes. “Alright dork. Are you staying ?”

“You didn’t answer my question.” Lexa said, seriously.

“I meant forever.”

“I’ll stay forever.” Lexa smiled at her. “For real, this time.”

“Forever.”

Clarke kissed Lexa softly, cupping her cheeks with both her hands. It was the first time they kissed after their fake break-up and it felt magical, like every other kiss they had shared. Lexa felt her heart racing in her chest and her hands getting sweaty.

When Clarke pulled away, Lexa felt a tear scrolling down her cheek.

“Hey.” Clarke grabbed her hand to hold. “Are you okay ? I… I’m sorry, I should have asked, I thought you..”

She was interrupted by Lexa who kissed her again. “I never thought I’d feel this way ever again.” Lexa’s voice was faint, like a whisper. Almost impossible to hear.

“I want to make you feel like this forever. And I really hope my damn cancer will let me.”

Clarke’s words hit Lexa like a truck in the chest. For a few moments, she had forgotten about Clarke’s illness. She had believed their life together was once again starting. They were going to be happy. Blissful. But life wasn’t perfect, Lexa was aware of that. Life could be cruel, life could fuck anyone up.

“It will. We’ll beat this, together.” She said, more to herself than to Clarke.

Clarke smiled at her and kissed her again. “I’m sorry for what I did to you. You didn’t deserve it. Hell, you don’t even deserve the mess I’ll become… But I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’ll be here. You’ve always put me before yourself, even when I didn’t ask you to. You were there when they told me my dad died. You were there when my mother left the first time. You were there when she left the second time. You were there when I cried. You were there when I felt like my life was over. And I knew, deep in my heart, that my life was never going to be over as long as I had you. You made everything worth it. Even when I woke up sad from a night of screaming and crying, you were next to me, asleep. And I would feel happy. When my father died, I thought I was going to ruin everything. I thought I was going to be a mess. I thought I was going to be too hard to handle. I thought I was going to become distant. I was afraid I’d lose you. But you were there. Always. Even when I was shitty to you, you always kind of managed to make everything better. You never let me put you down.

I love you so much, Lexa Woods.”

Lexa stared at her with wide eyes. She had hoped to hear those words for weeks. She had dreamed Clarke saying those three words just one more time to her. And still, Clarke’s speech seemed to matter more to her than anything else. Everything she had said was proof of how much Clarke loved Lexa. And it felt amazing.

“I love you too, Clarke Griffin.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this was super cheesy and sappy, but I felt right !


	7. Blueberry pancakes

They kissed and cuddled till Clarke fell asleep on Lexa’s stomach. They were still on the couch and Lexa wasn’t sure what to do next. She knew Clarke needed proper sleep, so she decided to gently pick her up and bring her upstairs, to her bed. Clarke never stirred as she walked to her bedroom, but opened her eyes slightly when Lexa put her down.

“Go back to sleep, I’m gonna call Anya and then I’ll be next to you.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke just stared at her.

“I promise.”

Clarke smiled at her and closed her eyes, drifting into a peaceful sleep.

Lexa walked downstairs and dialled Anya’s number. Her sister picked up almost immediately.

“I don’t know how you managed to call me as I’m on break. Everything alright ?”

“Yes, don’t worry. Clarke is sleeping and I’m going to stay here.” Lexa explained.

“For the night or are you moving back in ?”

“I think I’ll be moving back in. Even if my stuff is already here.” Lexa chuckled. “Even my glasses. I was sure I’d lost them.”

“I told you they were still there ! Are you sure you’re okay ? It’s a lot to take in.”

“I’m sure, there’s no need to worry.”

“Okay… Listen, I know you always put her before yourself, but don’t forget that you need to take care of yourself as well. I understand that this is hard on her, but it’s going to be hard on you as well. Don’t forget that you matter as well.” Anya’s voice was surprisingly gentle and sweet.

“I won’t forget, I promise.” Lexa said. “Now go back to work, I’ll head upstairs.”

“Alright, baby sis… I’ll talk to you later.”

As per usual, Anya hung up before letting Lexa reply. She rolled her eyes and walked back upstairs, where Clarke was sleeping. It didn’t take her long to fall asleep as well.

When she woke up the next morning, Clarke was peacefully sleeping with her head on Lexa’s chest. Lexa grabbed her phone and snapped a quick picture of the sleeping blonde. Neither of them was going to class, so Lexa got up and walked downstairs to make Clarke something to eat. She made blueberry pancakes, Clarke’s favourite, hoping the blonde wouldn’t feel sick. While she waited for the last pancake to be ready, she decided to post Clarke’s picture on her Facebook.

**Lexa Woods** with **Clarke Griffin**

_Definitely not bad waking up next to this beauty queen. :D_

She stacked the pancakes on a plate, made some coffee and walked back to Clarke’s bedroom, to find the blonde still asleep. She placed the plate on Clarke’s nightstand, next to her coffee and started placing soft kisses on the blonde’s forehead until she heard Clarke stir beneath her.

“Oh…”

Lexa smiled at her.

“For a moment I was really confused.” She said, her voice hoarse from sleep. “I thought I’d dreamed of having you here. And now I wake up and you’re here, covering my face with kisses and bringing me breakfast in bed… Oh my God ! Are those blueberry pancakes ?!”

Lexa grinned. “Yes, those are blueberry pancakes.”

Clarke looked excited. “How can I not love you ?”

“I wouldn’t know.” Lexa smirked at her, placing the plate on the bed and offering Clarke a fork.

“I’ve missed your pancakes. I know you put something in them.”

“Love ?” Lexa tried, Clarke groaned. “No, I’m kidding. I’m not telling you my secret ingredient.”

Clarke rolled her eyes and kept eating her pancakes silently. When she was done, she looked at Lexa for a second before talking.

“Are you going to class today ?”

Lexa shook her head. “Nope, I wanted to be here with you.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I know, but I want to.”

“Not that I’m complaining… But you already missed your classes because of me.”

“I’m going back tomorrow, with you.”

“Okay, sounds fair. Do we have any plans for today ?”

“Well, you need to rest. So I’m guessing we’ll stay in bed all day long ? Watching Netflix ?”

“Netflix and chill ?” Clarke smirked.

“Nope.” Lexa was dead serious. “You need to rest.”

“Well, you don’t.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Yeah, like you would make me do all the work. I know you, Clarke Griffin.”

Clarke thought about it for a second before shrugging. “You’re probably right. Netflix and cuddles ?”

“Yeah, Netflix and cuddles.” Lexa said, laying back in bed.

They watched two movies, with Clarke dozing off every ten minutes, trying desperately to keep her eyes open.

“You know you can sleep if you want to.” Lexa commented. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Clarke looked at her and nodded her head.

“You sleep and I’ll go downstairs to make us something for lunch, okay ?”

Clarke nodded her head, but Lexa was almost sure the blonde hadn’t heard a word of what she’d just said, she was already sound asleep. She quietly got up and walked downstairs. She sat on the couch, browsing for recipes online, when a knock on the door startled her. She thought it would probably be either Octavia or Raven and got up to open the door.

Of course she never thought she’d find herself in front of Abby Griffin.

A very angry looking Abby Griffin.

“You. I know she lied because of you.” Abby hissed, pushing past Lexa.

“I… Abby, I don’t understand.” Lexa was definitely confused.

“It’s Mrs Griffin to you.” Abby said, venom in her voice. “You wouldn’t guess what Aurora Blake told me on the phone.”

Lexa was scared. She couldn’t help but notice the fury in Abby’s eyes.

“You don’t understand ?” Abby said, raising her voice with every word she pronounced.

“Keep your voice down, please. Clarke is sleeping.”

“And why is she sleeping this late ? Is it maybe that she’s being treated for fucking cancer and I had no idea ? Why the fuck did she lie to me, Lexa ? Did you tell her to lie to me ? Do you really hate me so much you wanted her to go through this on her own ? Without her mother by her side ?”

Lexa’s heart ached in her chest. She felt tears in her eyes and fought hard to stop them from rolling down her cheeks. She didn’t know what to say. She stood there, looking at Abby who was crying and breathing hard.

“She didn’t know, mum.”

Clarke’s voice startled her. She turned around to see Clarke standing right behind her, looking at her mother.

“Clarke..” Her mother’s voice was like a whisper. She walked towards her, but Clarke raised her hand to stop her.

“No. You come here after one year, pretend like you didn’t run away from me and you dare attack my girlfriend ? For what ? It was my decision. If you really need to know, I kept it from her as well. I told her I didn’t love her anymore and broke her heart because I didn’t want her to know I have fucking cancer. Why do you think I would have told you ? You ran away. You left me alone. You weren’t with me when I was desperate because of dad’s death. I don’t want you here.” Clarke’s voice was steady and a bit lower than usual. She never left her mother’s gaze, and kept her hands clenched in fists.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry guys it took me this long to upload, but between exams and my other fic I'm kind of busy... This fanfiction isn't easy to write, it takes me a long time to even figure out what to write in each chapter.   
> I hope you guys keep liking this, leave kudos and comments so I know you're enjoying this work as much as I enjoy writing it !  
> (I don't hate Abby, if that's what you're thinking. I just needed her mother to be... Intense).


	8. Together

“Clarke, I’m your mother. Even if I got scared and ran away.”

“A mother doesn’t run away.” Clarke said, her voice steady. “And who do you think you are coming back and yelling at her ? You should know both of us. You know how stubborn I am.”

“Clarke I was scared.” Abby sighed. “Aurora told me you had cancer and that she didn’t know anything about it. She called to say she was sorry because she didn’t know. How was I supposed to tell her that I didn’t know either ?”

“Don’t you think that maybe there was a reason I didn’t tell you ? I know you’re my mother.” Clarke took a deep breath.  “But where were you all those nights I cried myself to sleep ? Or when I didn’t sleep at all because closing my eyes made me dream of him ? Where were you on father’s day ? Where were you when I refused to go to class because it was his birthday and it didn’t feel right ?”

“I should have been there.”

“Yes, you should have. You can go back to your job now.”

“I don’t want to go back. I want to be next to you.”

“I don’t need you.” Clarke hissed. “I know this is your house, but you can stay at Aurora’s until you find yourself a way to run away again. You ran because you were scared ? I’m guessing this is going to scare you away as well.”

Abby looked at her daughter. They were so close and, yet, so far away. Lexa was standing awkwardly between them, carefully shifting her gaze from Clarke to Abby.

Clarke was glaring at her mother, sometimes nodding her head towards the door. Abby sighed and walked away, deciding that giving Clarke some time would be the best idea. She would come back for her daughter, she thought maybe leaving her alone would help. When the door was closed again and Abby was out of her sight, Clarke started crying.

Lexa immediately rushed by her side and hugged her tight. “It’s going to be okay.”

“I can’t believe she actually came back.” Clarke blurted out. “But I really don’t want to see her.”

“That’s okay, love. You don’t have to see her if you don’t want to.” Lexa said. “Do you want to go back to bed ?”

“No… I’m fine… A bit hungry.”

“Then I’m making us something to eat… Is pasta okay ?” 

“Yeah… Can I help ?”

“If by helping you mean looking at me while I cook and telling me how cute I am when making you food, then yes. If by helping you mean actually helping, then… Hell no !” Lexa laughed out loud, looking at Clarke.

Clarke rolled her eyes. “I’m not that bad of a cook.”

“Clarke… Don’t lie to yourself.”

“Then I’ll be watching you.”

“Sounds good to me, little creeper.”

“Not a creeper ! Just in love.”

Lexa blushed. “I missed you telling me this sort of things.”

Clarke kissed her softly. “I missed you telling me how awful I am at cooking.” 

“It’s the truth, you can’t deny it.”

They walked to the kitchen, Lexa started preparing the ingredients while Clarke looked at her.

“Are you okay ?”

“I will be, I guess. I just didn’t expect her to barge in like that. I mean… I’m not used to my mum being in the picture, you know ?”

“I do know. Let’s try to eat and forget about it for a moment, alright ?”

Clarke nodded her head. They sat down and ate in silence, sometime stealing glances at each other.

“I hope nobody saw me fainting the other day. It’d be too embarrassing to handle.”

“I mean… Nobody told me, so maybe they didn’t see you.” Lexa commented. 

“I hope so. Do you think we could have Chinese food tonight ?”

“We just finished lunch and you are already thinking about dinner ?”

“You know I always think about food. I thought with chemo and stuff I’d stop being this obsessed with it… But I guess it didn’t work.”

“Well, I’m glad you didn’t lose your appetite. Chemo is draining, I’m sure food kind of helps.”

“It does. Except on the day of the treatment when everything I eat comes back up.” Clarke sighed.

“Do you…” Lexa looked at her for a moment.” Do you throw up a lot ? I mean… I’d like to know what it causes you. I know theoretically what it can cause to people, but I also know that it’s different for everyone, so… You don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

The blonde smiled softly at her girlfriend. She loved how Lexa rambled whenever she got nervous. It was endearing, considering how stoic she normally looked like. “It’s fair for you to know. As much as I don’t want you to see me like this, I know you’ll be with me on my next treatment… I might as well tell you.” Clarke said. “First of all you should know that they make me wear a sort of cap on my head to prevent my hair from falling. It’s like a cooling thing, I don’t really know. Since it’s working and I’m not losing a lot of hair, I kind of like it. I had to cut it a a bit because they said seeing long chunks of hair falling out is more striking. During the treatment I usually throw up like twice, it depends. Some days I guess I’m weaker and throw up more. I don’t really know. Then when it’s done I get really damn tired and sleep afterwards for like ever. Sometimes I wake up to throw up, sometimes I don’t. So, like… It really depends though. Sometimes I don’t sleep because I keep throwing up. Sometimes I don’t throw up and sleep from when I get home to the next morning. Sometimes I’m not even tired.”

Lexa was trying hard not to cry. “I see. I guess I’ll have to wait for Wednesday to see what this time brings us.”

“You really don’t have to come with me.”

“Clarke.” Her voice was stern. “I love you and I’ll be there. Always.”

“I kind of knew you’d say that. I’m glad you’re here.” Clarke smiled at her.

“Me too. Sometimes I just wish I could take that cancer away from you. One day you’ll be healthy again and we’ll go on with our lives together.” Lexa whispered.

“Together.”

 

 

 


	9. Chemotherapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa witnesses Clarke's treatment for the first time.  
> Might be a bit intense.

“Clarke, love, it’s almost time to leave !”

Clarke groggily walked downstairs, where Lexa was waiting for her. “You need to tell me how you manage to wake up this early and actually look like you’re awake.”

Lexa glanced at her watch, it was seven thirty in the morning and they were leaving to go to the hospital. “First of all you should know that most of my classes are in the morning, I’m used to waking up early. Plus, we can’t be late. Come on.”

She opened the door, keeping it open for Clarke who slowly walked to Lexa’s car. The brunette opened the car door for her before sliding into the driving seat. She felt as nervous as she could be, but tried to keep a straight face to seem strong for Clarke. She wasn’t sure what to expect from that morning. Clarke had tried to explain what was going to happen, but she was aware that seeing Clarke go through chemotherapy was going to hurt her in some kind of unexpected way.

When they finally got to the hospital parking lot, she parked the car and they walked towards the entrance, hand in hand. They go to the appropriate ward, where everyone seemed to know Clarke and she was cheerfully introduced to the nurses and doctors who walked by.

When Clarke sat down, a woman came to talk to her. Lexa assumed it was a nurse.

“Good morning Clarke, no Raven or Octavia today ?”

Clarke smiled tiredly at her. “Nope, just my amazing girlfriend. Lexa, this is Ella. She is usually the one to start my medicine.”

Lexa offered her hand to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

“The pleasure is all mine ! I finally get to meet the mysterious Lexa. I’m actually really glad you’re here. Clarke can get quite grumpy and I was getting tired of hearing Raven’s jokes to cheer her up.”

“I can see why.” Lexa commented. “That girl is a handful.”

As Ella worked with Clarke’s medicine, Lexa fidgeted with her hands, unsure of what to do. When the older woman was done, she saw Clarke relaxing on her chair after pulling her hair up.

“It’s because I know I’ll be throwing up.” Clarke explained. “I even have my friend here, the bucket. Always helpful during chemotherapy.”

Lexa smiled at her, even if her stomach was making her feel like she was going to vomit herself. She held Clarke’s hand and they talked a little about school and a party that was coming up. Clarke looked tired, both from getting up early and the medicine running through her blood. Lexa bolted up the moment she realized Clarke was going to vomit and she was instantly by her side, rubbing soothing circles on her back.

“It’s okay.” She whispered. The softness of her voice was heart melting. She kept trying to soothe Clarke as she puked everything she had in her in the bucket and was unable to sit back down when she was done.

“I’m sorry.” Clarke whispered as she was wiping her mouth.

“Sorry for what ?”

“For this… A girlfriend shouldn’t be seeing stuff like this. I look horrible, I’ve just vomited my guts out and you’re watching everything.”

“You don’t need to be sorry, love. I’m here and I don’t plan on leaving you.”

Clarke just smiled at her and closed her eyes, waiting for the next gush of vomit to come up.

Clarke ended up vomiting only once more and was glad when Ella came to take her tube off. She thanked her and was glad to have Lexa by her side while walking to the car, because she felt exhausted. The brunette was keeping her stable, with one hand around her waist and they were slowly walking to the car. Clarke fell asleep on the ride home and didn’t even stir when Lexa picked her up and brought her inside.

Lexa brought Clarke up in their bedroom, not bothering to change her into pyjamas since she was wearing sweatpants and a t-shirt. She tucked her in, making sure she wouldn’t get cold, placed a bucket on each of her sides and a bottle of cold water on her nightstand. She decided she didn’t feel like leaving her alone, so she sat down on a chair, as to avoid interrupting her sleep. She wanted Clarke to rest and as much as she wanted to cuddle with her sleeping girlfriend, she knew it could awake the blonde or make her sleep uncomfortably.

After about one hour she realized she had been crying and decided to shrug it off. Seeing Clarke like that was… Devastating. She knew it was worse for Clarke, but her heart kept aching for her girlfriend. She didn’t deserve it. Nobody did, but her love for Clarke made her feel like her girlfriend was the purest human being in the world. It wasn’t fair.

She only got up around lunch time to make herself something to eat. She made a small sandwich for Clarke as well, in case the blonde woke hungry. She ate in the kitchen and then walked back to their bedroom. They had been back for almost four hours and Clarke had never moved, she was sleeping soundly, her chest rising and falling rhythmically.

Lexa felt grateful because she had never awoken to throw up, which was a plus. She knew chemotherapy was devastating and kept hoping for Clarke to go through it as smoothly as possible. She knew the medicine was there to fight cancer cells, but she also knew that it was fighting Clarke’s body as well. The drug wasn’t only going against damaged cells, it was also going against healthy cells, which was why chemotherapy was devastating.

When bed time came, Lexa was unsure of what to do. She didn’t want to disturb Clarke, so she ended up sleeping in Abby’s bedroom. She left a note next to Clarke, saying to call her when she woke up, even if she was pretty sure she was going to wake up to a still sleeping Clarke.

Turns out she didn’t.

She woke up terrified by Clarke whining loudly in the other room. She sprinted towards her girlfriend who was throwing up in the bucket and crying at the same time.

Lexa stood frozen for a second, Clarke was pale and clearly distressed and she didn’t know what to do. She climbed up in bed next to Clarke who was still vomiting. She grabbed her hair tie and used it on Clarke’s hair to prevent it from falling on her face. Then she just sat there, trying to soothe Clarke.

When the bucket was finally placed back on the ground, Clarke drank a few sips of water.

“What time is it ?” She asked, as Lexa walked to the bathroom to empty out the bucket.

“It’s four in the morning.” Lexa stated.

“Four ? Woah. You weren’t sleeping next to me. Where were you ?”

“I was in your mum’s bedroom. I want you to rest.”

“I see." Clarke murmured. "You were here pretty fast, though.”

“I heard you whining and panicked." Lexa sighed, caressing Clarke's cheek. "You know I sprint when I panic.”

“Can you stay here ?”

“You need to sleep.”

“I’ll sleep even with you next to me.” Clarke said. “Please. I know I probably stink and I’ll probably be vomiting later on…”

“You do know that I slept in the other room because I didn’t want to disturb you, yeah ? The vomiting part doesn’t bother me. And you do not stink.”

“You’re not disturbing me.”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Alright.”


	10. College

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this is a bit late and a bit shorter than usual... I'll try to do better next week. Enjoy !  
> Thank you all for the support and the nice comments.   
> For whoever told me that they've had someone they care about suffering from this kind of cancer : I know what you're going through and you can count on me if you ever need someone to talk to. I had someone I deeply care about suffer from this shit and I understand.

As always, Clarke woke up to the smell of blueberry pancakes and fresh coffee. She walked downstairs to find Lexa occupied with some book and smiled at the sight. The brunette was sipping some tea absentmindedly, scrolling through the pages of her book at a superhuman speed.

“You know you don’t have to make me breakfast every morning, right ?”

Lexa jumped at the sudden presence of Clarke. “I know, I want to. Ready for class ?”

Clarke groaned. “Kind of. I’m just glad to get out for a while. My mum called me like ten times yesterday.”

“I know. I talked to her.”

“You what ? Why ?”

“She called me last night, you were already in bed. She said she’s glad I’m here to take care of you, but that she’d like to see you.” Lexa explained, walking to the kitchen to get Clarke’s breakfast.

“So she’s still here. What did you tell her ?”

“I said I’d ask you.” Lexa stated.

“Did she at least apologize for her behaviour ?” Clarke asked, a little annoyed. Why couldn’t her mother understand that she needed some time ?

Lexa shrugged slightly. “Yes. She also added that she’d like to apologize in person.”

“I guess I’ll think about it. It’s not like I can be mad at her forever. And…” Clarke swallowed hard. “I mean, if I..”

“If you what ?”

“If I were to… You know, die…” Clarke sighed. “I can’t leave things unfinished with my mother.”

“You’re not going to die.” Lexa said, her voice stern.

“How can you be so sure ?”

Lexa sighed loudly. “I just am.”

Clarke looked at her with sad eyes. “Love… You need to accept the idea that I might die. Maybe you should see someone. Like, to talk about it.”

Lexa said nothing, and went back to her book.

“Lexa, please.” Clarke said. “Look at me.”

“I can’t.” Lexa whispered and Clarke almost didn’t hear her. What she did hear, though, was how broken Lexa sounded.

“If I look at you I’ll cry. I can’t cry, because if I do, it means I’ve accepted that you might die. And you’re not dying. You can’t die. You’ll be here, next to me, forever. We’ll grow old together and I don’t give a fuck about what your damn cancer’s intentions are, because I won’t let it take you away from me.”

As much as Clarke wanted to believe what Lexa was saying could be real, she knew death might happen. She had accepted it and had just realized she wasn’t okay with it anymore. Suffering was one thing, but seeing Lexa broken was more than she could bear. She hugged her girlfriend as tightly as she could, making sure Lexa knew she was there. The whole situation sucked and Clarke had no idea what to do. She knew that Lexa was trying to be storng, to hide what she was feeling, but she couldn't let her bury her feelings. 

“You can cry, Lexa. I know this is hard on you.” She whispered in her ear.

“No. This is hard on you, I’m just scared. But we’ll fight this together.”

“We will, I can assure you that much. I love you.”

She kissed her girlfriend softly and the wrapped her arms around Lexa’s neck. The brunette sighed loudly before wrapping her own arms around Clarke’s waist and kissing her back.

They stood there for a few moments, enjoying their warm embrace before realizing it was time to go to college.

Clarke was happy to be back, she liked to pretend she was normal. The thing was that her life wasn’t normal. She had to be extremely cautious when she was in public places, always carrying around hand sanitizer for when she couldn’t wash her hands properly, having to be wary of others, making sure nobody was sick around her, carrying a mask with her so that she could wear it in extremely crowded places.

Lexa reluctantly let her hand go and headed towards her class, making Clarke promise to text her if she was having any kind of trouble. She had also texted both Octavia and Raven to keep an extra eye on her, since she couldn’t help but worry about her. Clarke was meant to have three classes on that day, so she was set to finish after Lexa did, because the latter only had two classes on Fridays.

**Clarke 9.01 a,m**

Everything looks fine. Nobody’s sick.

**Lexa 9.03 a.m**

                                                                                                                 Glad to hear that ! Thanks for telling me.

**Clarke 9.05 a.m**

I’ll see you back at home later ?

**Lexa 9.11 a.m**

                                                                                                                    No, I’ll be waiting for you

**Clarke 9.23 a.m**

My classes end like one hour and a half after yours

**Lexa 9.45 a.m**

                                                                                                                    I am aware.

**Clarke 9.54 a.m**

Lexa.

                                                                                                                    **Lexa 9.55 a.m**

                                                                                                                    Clarke. I’ll wait for you, don’t bother 

Lexa did wait for her. Clarke found her in the parking lot, with a book in one hand, a giant cup of warm tea in theo ther one.

“Got you your disgusting white chocolate mocha Frappuccino.”

Clarke smiled at her. “I’m guessing you told the barista something about that evil drink being made out of children's tears again ?”

“I might have.” Lexa smirked and opened the car door for Clarke. “How are you feeling ?”

“Overly tired. But I’m happy about this morning. What about you ?”

“I’m okay. Gladly used this hour and a half to catch up on some reading. I was kind of behind.”

“How can you be behind ? You’re always reading.”

Lexa shrugged. “Have you thought about seeing your mother ?”

“Yeah. I thought maybe we could grab a coffee with her.”

“We ?”

“Yes. I can’t see her on my own yet. Plus, anything she has to tell me, she can say it in front of you.”

“That’s okay. Want me to call her ?”

“No, I sent her a text earlier. She said it’s okay.”

“When are we having this coffee date ?”

“Tomorrow morning. I thought about doing it today, but I’m way too tired and I think a good night of sleep is what I need.”

 

 


	11. I'm your mother

“Just tell me everything about it. I know I’ve missed a lot on your life since I left… But knowing about what is going on with your health is my main concern.”

Clarke nodded. “I was diagnosed about two months ago. I went to see my doctor because my face was swelled for no apparent reason and same went with my neck and hands. He said I might have NHL and that we needed to run some more tests. We did, they confirmed his suspicions. I was diagnosed with stage II non Hodgkin Lymphoma. He explained it was in my neck and my armpit.” Clarke was speaking slowly, her voice low. She talked about it like it was nothing, sometimes stroking Lexa’s hand, always holding it tight. “He said I needed chemotherapy, I don’t really know what drugs they’re using… They’re administrating it through a PICC line, so that I don’t have to be poked with needles every week. I've had my fifth treatment on Wednesday, he said I had better chances at recovering if we did it once a week instead of every other week. ”

Abby looked like she was going to puke at any given moment. “Are you keeping your PICC line clean ? Are you eating enough ? Are you drinking enough ? Are you cautious around other people ? Hydration is definitely important. And so is food.”

“Mum, you’re rambling. I’m doing everything they told me to do. Lexa is helping me a lot with the whole drinking, eating and staying away from sick people thing. Even if it’s a bit hard considering I’m in college.”

“Maybe you should quit. Think about your health.”

Clarke shook her head. “I’m not quitting college. Cancer is not my life.”

“I know, Clarke. But it’s important to take care of yourself.”

“I know what I’m doing. I agreed to see you, doesn’t mean you get to tell me what to do. You stopped having that right the moment you walked out of the door.” Clarke said, her voice harsh.

Abby sighed loudly. “You’re right. I’m just trying to protect you.”

“There’s no need to protect me, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”

Abby pursued her lips and pinched the bridge of her nose. “I know. I’m still your mother, I can’t help it.”

“I understand. We should probably go, I’m a bit tired.” She squeezed Lexa’s hand who smiled tenderly at her.

“Of course. Thank you for coming.”

“Bye, mum.”

“Bye Mrs Griffin.”

“Bye, girls. I hope to see you both soon.”

Clarke didn’t answer and walked away, still holding Lexa’s hand.

“That wasn’t bad.” Lexa said, as she opened the car’s door for Clarke.

“Could have been worse. Could have been better as well, I guess.”

“At least none of us cried, I say it’s an achievement.”

Clarke giggled softly. “It definitely is. Are you going to smother me in my sleep if I tell you that I’d like to have cookie dough ice cream for dinner ?”

Lexa rolled her eyes. “I’m not going to smother you in your sleep, but we had that for dinner last night and it’s not good for you. What about we eat some proper food and we can have ice cream after dinner ? Maybe we can watch a movie if you’re not overly tired.”

“Okay, I’ll eat proper food… If it’s not boiled. And if you’re not cooking broccoli or some shit like that. We can watch a movie, but I’ll probably fall asleep on you.”

“I’m not complaining.” Lexa said, grinning. “Remember that you have your PET scan next week, to see if the chemo is working.”

“Well, I hope so. Not that I mind puking my guts out, losing a shit ton of hair, being constantly tired and sore… But finding out that it’s working would probably help a bit.”

“We’ll just have to wait and see. I fucking hate chemotherapy. I hate cancer more, though.”

“I feel you, baby. I hate those as well.” Clarke said. “I’m sorry you’ll have to spend your Saturday night with me at home.”

“Why ? I love spending time with you.”

“I know, but we live together. We’re together twenty-four/seven. Plus, I’m sick and always tired, which means we don’t even get to talk that much. Or do other stuff that I enjoy more than talking.” Clarke smirked.

“We live together because we’re in love with each other and it makes us happy.”

“I know, but if you want to go out sometimes or whatever, that’s okay.” 

“What about we invite Octavia and Raven over ?”

“I’d like that.” Clarke commented.

Lexa parked her car in the driveway, rushing to open Clarke’s door for her. The blonde smiled amusedly, taking Lexa’s hand in her own. As she sat on the couch, she took her phone out to call both Octavia and Raven.

“Octavia, hi.” Clarke said on her phone. “I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come over for dinner and a movie after that ?”

“Hey, yeah, that would be nice !”

“I was about to call Raven as well, but I can hear her muttering something next to you, so extend the invite to her as well.”

“She's complaining because I think something happened to her car. Will do ! I’ll see you later !”

“Later, O.”

Clarke placed her phone back into her pocket. “Do you think there’s something between Octavia and Raven ?”

“Something as in a romantic relationship ?” Lexa asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yeah, I mean… They’re like always together and neither of them is seeing anyone.”

“I guess they would tell you, right ? And I thought Octavia was straight ?”

“Yeah, you’re right. Sometimes I forget she’s the only straight one.”

“We’ve got lots of sexualities among the four of us, don’t we ?”

“We definitely do. We’ve got the sappy lesbian, the awesome bisexual, the snarky pansexual and the sporty heterosexual.”

They were interrupted by a knock on the door, followed by Raven whistling. Lexa got up to open the door for their friends, who walked in carrying bags of pop corn and various snacks.

“We figured since Clarke can’t drink and is forced to eat all the healthy crap Lexa makes her, a night of snacks and shit wouldn’t hurt.” Raven said, grinning.

Lexa rolled her eyes. “Healthy food helps you, you’d never guess, stay healthy. Which she needs.”

“You can make her some cabbage or stuff ?” Octavia suggested.

Lexa sighed loudly. “Fine, but at least drink plenty of water.”

“Yes, ma’am.” Clarke said, smirking at Lexa who shook her head.

“Oh, we’re watching Friend Request. I heard the main actress is super hot, plus she kind of looks like Commander Woods here.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Nothing really happened in this chapter, but sometimes it's nice to write light chapters. Hope you guys keep enjoying the story... Next : Clarke's PET scan and a special gift from Lexa.  
> Stay tuned !


	12. Results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this is a bit late, but it's been kind of rough to write this story. Here you go, enjoy !

“I’m nervous.” Clarke whispered, placing her head on Lexa’s shoulder.

“I know you are, love. I hope it’ll be okay.”

“But what if he says that chemo isn’t working ?”

“I’m sure there’s a different treatment they can use on you. Don’t worry, though, let’s see what the doctor says.”

They were sitting outside Clarke’s doctor’s office, waiting for the PET scan results. Clarke was slightly shaking, her hand tightly gripping Lexa’s, her head lowered on her girlfriend’s shoulder. She had her eyes closed, her breathing was laboured, heavy. She was definitely nervous.

“Clarke, Lexa.” The doctor said, motioning for the girls to follow him inside. They both got up and walked inside the doctor’s office. Lexa’s heart was racing in her chest and she felt like she was drowning in sweat. She needed to keep calm for Clarke, but she was worried like she’d never been before. They sat down, their fingers still interlaced, and looked at the doctor who was holding Clarke’s chart.

“The PET scan went good, better than I expected.” He begun. Both Clarke and Lexa let out a relieved sigh. “The treatment is working, your cancer is being beaten.”

Lexa was crying and Clarke had the widest smile she'd ever seen.

The doctor smiled at them. “We’re going to stop giving you chemo once a week, it’s now going to be twice a month. You don’t need to be treated as aggressively anymore.”

Lexa was smiling through the tears as she squeezed Clarke’s hand who was shaking even more than she was before getting the news. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.” Clarke somehow managed to whisper.

“Your body responded pretty well to the treatment, I can only guess it’ll go even better from now on. I’ll see you in two weeks for your round of chemo. Till then, take it easy and enjoy the news.”

“I most definitely will. Thank you again.” Clarke said, shaking the doctor’s hand. Lexa was speechless, silently crying as she rose from her seat.

They quietly walked to the car, trying to contain their happiness. It felt somehow unfair to those who were given bad news, and to those who knew there was nothing left to do in order to save them. Lexa stopped right in front of her car, finally letting go of Clarke’s hand and the tears kept flowing down her cheeks.

“I’m so happy, Clarke.”

Clarke looked at her for a second. “Me too, my love. Me too.”

They hugged, unwilling to let go. It felt good to be in each other’s arms, finally being able to be really happy about something. It felt like a dream, and Lexa thought it was a good idea to pinch herself, she wanted to make sure it was real. She looked at Clarke, smiling, kissing her, smiling again. It felt too good.

“I need to call Octavia and Raven.”

“Yeah, let’s make it a surprise, though. Just tell them to meet us somewhere. Home if you’re tired.”

Clarke smirked and grabbed her phone, dialling Octavia’s number.

“Hey, O… Wanna come to the café near the library with Lexa and I ?”

“Yeah, I’m going to call Raven as well, if she’s not with you.”

“Okay, I’ll meet you there in ten minutes.”

She hung up, placing her phone back into her pocket. “They were together.” She said.

Lexa smirked. “Of course they were. Let’s go.”

“You sure you can drive ? Isn’t your vision a bit blurry ?”

“I haven’t cried that much.”

“What ? You’re still crying.”

“I’m just too happy.”

They got to the café shortly after, trying to keep a straight face. They sat down at their usual spot, waiting for Octavia and Raven to join them. When they arrived, it was clear that they were scared. They both knew that Clarke was going to get her results, and were unsure of what to expect. It could be either good news or bad news, and there was no way for them to know. They sat down and ordered their drinks, making small talk. Octavia looked pale and Raven just appeared to be pretty uneasy.

“As you know, I was meant to get my results today.” Clarke said, then cleared her voice. “We went to see doctor Jamison before coming here.”

Lexa grabbed her hand and squeezed it gently. Octavia swallowed hard, while Raven felt her heart stop.

“He said the treatment is working better than expected and that it’s beating my cancer.”

Both Octavia and Raven let out a relieved sigh and smiled widely.

“I’m not going to get my treatment every week, he said once every other week should be enough.”

Octavia was giggling nervously. “I’m so happy, Clarke.”

Raven was grinning. “Couldn’t have given me a better news today, Griffin. I’m really glad.”

“Thanks, guys. Lexa cried so much I had to drive us here because she was practically blind.” She laughed softly.

“She’s crying now as well.” Octavia commented.

“I’m pretty sure she’ll cry for seven weeks. Can she talk ?”

“I can talk !” Lexa said, her voice audibly broken by the tears she’d shed. “This is what pure bliss looks like.”

Clarke kissed her tenderly. “I love you. You’re cute when you cry.”

“She cries all the fucking time !” Raven interjected.

“She does, doesn’t she ?” Clarke grinned widely. “She’s always cute, as a matter of fact.”

Lexa blushed profusely. “Let’s see if you keep making fun of me when I buy all of you Chinese take-out for dinner.”

“I like your ways, Woods. If Clarke ever breaks up with you, I might date you myself.” Octavia said, a mischievous grin on her face.

“I’m never leaving Lexa, plus, you’re straight.”

“I am, but I think I’d go gay for Lexa.”

“Who wouldn’t go gay for Lexa ?” Raven asked, and both Clarke and Octavia couldn’t help but shrug.

“Nobody can go gay for Lexa, she’s my girlfriend.” Clarke said, pouting a bit.

“You guys know that I’m here, right ?” Lexa said, with a raised eyebrow.

“We see you, Woods. We’re complimenting your gay ass, stop complaining. You’re always whining about something.”

“So, let me get this straight.” Lexa smirked. “I cry all the time, everyone would go gay for me and I am whining all the time.”

Raven nodded. “Yes, that’d be a perfect description of you.”

“I don’t know if I like you.”


	13. Difficult times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry, this is SO LATE.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Yes, you can.”

“I feel like I’m fighting for nothing, even if the exams show positive results. I still feel like it’s not worth it.”

“The fight you’re having is to save your life.”

“I know. But what if it works for now and then it stops working ? What if I am declared cancer free and then it comes back in a few months or even in a few years ? We both know that when it comes back you’re basically dead.”

“Clarke what happened ? What got into your head ? You were determined to overcome this shit yesterday.”

“I don’t know. I realized that my cancer doesn’t give a shit about what I want. If it wants to kill me, it will, and there’s nothing I can do about it.”

“You keep fighting, and that bitch cancer will stop bothering you.”

“Bitch cancer. I have a bitch cancer.”

“You do, but you’ll be free of it. Soon.”

Clarke looked at Lexa for a full minute before bursting in a roar of laughter. Lexa stared at her in confusion, eyes widened in surprise.

“I can’t believe you said bitch cancer.” Clarke said, trying to breathe evenly.

Lexa pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed loudly. “I did.”

“You’re so stoic most of the time and the way you said it was hilarious.”

“I’m glad you find it amusing.”

Clarke grinned widely at her girlfriend. “I know sometimes I can be… Intense. And I’m sorry that you have to put up with me.”

“Clarke, I don’t have to put up with you. I chose to and it doesn’t bother me. I love you and I always will, even when you’re grumpy.”

“I’m not grumpy, I’m an asshole.”

“Alright, asshole. Time to go face your last chemotherapy for this round. Hoping it’ll be the last round.”

They drove to the hospital they’d both grown to know pretty well. It was excruciating every single time, walking inside those doors, waiting for the elevator, walking to the usual room where other cancer patients were treated. The nurses knew them, they made small talk, asking questions about college and general stuff. It was part of their routine and it didn’t even feel weird anymore.

Clarke had lost the majority of her hair, but still refused to shave her head. They told her the hair loss could go on even once the treatment was finished and Clarke seemed to shrug it off like it was nothing. What really bothered her was being often overly tired right after the treatment, which made it impossible to do even simple tasks. She kept going to college, always avoiding the day after chemotherapy, and it helped her a lot.

“Will you love me even if I become bald ?”

“I’ll love you no matter what.”

“But what if I become bald ?”

“I’ll love you even then.”

Clarke had already vomited three times and they weren’t even half through her treatment. The last few times had been getting worse and worse, and Clarke was getting more tired with each day passing. Lexa had convinced herself it was because of the chemo, but a voice in her head told her it might be because her girlfriend was getting worse.

Six months had passed since Clarke was diagnosed. She was waiting for the doctor to tell her how her PET scan went. He could either tell her that she was cancer free and could stop her treatment, or that her cancer was still there and they would have to go back to once a week chemotherapy.

She felt like she couldn’t do it anymore.

She was holding Lexa’s hand so tightly she thought she might break her bones, but Lexa never even flinched. They waited for doctor Jamison to show up with the results, both silent. Both hoping to hear good news.

“I feel like he’s going to tell me that I’m dying.” Clarke said, breaking the silence between the two of them.

Lexa stroke the back of her hang gently. “Everything is going to be alright.”

“Are you saying that for me or for yourself ?”

He finally walked in, Clarke’s chart in hand. They both realized by the look on his face that something was wrong. Clarke started sweating profusely, unconsciously tightening the grip on Lexa’s hand. The brunette’s face showed no kind of emotion.

“So, Clarke…”

“It’s bad news, isn’t it ?”

Lexa felt like crying, but fought against it. She needed to be strong, no matter what the doctor was going to say. If the cancer was still there, Clarke would be angry about it. Lexa knew the blonde would think about stop fighting, and seeing her cry wouldn’t help her.

“No, no bad news at all. It was your last treatment, as of today, you’re officially cancer free.”

Clarke cried then. She cried hard, hiccupping and sniffing a lot. Lexa held her to her chest, crying silent tears of happiness.

“Cancer free ?”

“Yes, I know I told you that with your type of cancer the mass could stay and just stop growing, but yours went away. Completely.”

He smiled widely at them, and pretended to cover his eyes when Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheek and kissed her like she’d never done before. There was so much love, so much gratitude and so much happiness in that kiss.

It wasn’t just a kiss.

It was a “thank you for being there.”

It was a “I needed you and you were there.”

It was a “I don’t know if I would have made it without you.”

It was a “I am sorry for being an asshole.”

It was a “thank you for never leaving my side.”

It was a “I love you.”

And when Lexa pulled away and smiled at her wholeheartedly, Clarke realized one thing.

Lexa knew all those things, without having to tell her.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was pretty hard to write. It was meant to end in a quite different way, I felt like I needed some more drama before we wrap this up. But, you know what ? It didn't feel right. I felt like it was meant to be like this. This feels right.  
> The epilogue will be up sometime next week, hope you guys enjoyed it.


	14. Dry your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is set five years after the last chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.  
> No, I'm not.

_I open my eyes and your side of the bed is empty._

_It feels cold under my hand and I keep screaming your name, but you never answer. I close my eyes and hold my breath for a few seconds, pinching the bridge of my nose. You cannot answer. You never will again._

_You’re gone._

_You died on a Wednesday night, I felt your shaky breaths getting slower and less frequent with every minute passing. You had your head on my chest, I was holding you close, whispering how much I loved you. Making sure you knew before leaving forever._

_The last thing I heard you say was “Don’t die with me.” I cried, because you were thinking about me even while dying. I promised you I wouldn’t, now I know I did. I died with you, you took a big part of my soul with you, wherever you are._

_When you stopped breathing, my heart stopped with yours. What seems to be unfair, is that mine started beating again after a while, and yours didn’t. I held you close to my chest, in our bed, in our house, surrounded by all those things you loved._

_The window was open, your favourite music was playing softly, not disturbing you. You seemed peaceful, at ease. A soft smile was playing on your lips, as your body slowly gave in to an illness you’d fought for so long._

_I walk around our house, still feeling your presence. I can still feel your perfume in the air, the way your hair used to smell right after you showered, the way your skin felt under my touch._

_I want to remember you the way you were when I met you. The way you were all those years before falling ill. Your big, hopeful eyes. Your soft, curly hair. Your gentle touch. Your smile when I made you laugh in the morning. The way you snorted whenever I made you laugh too much._

_I keep telling myself it was mean to end like this, but I can’t seem to accept it. I reckon my mind knows what my heart wants. To be loved, by you. To have you next to me. For you to be alive and well. For you to be safe in my arms and not buried under the ground._

_I love and I loved and I lost you._

“Lexa ?”

A voice and a pair of strong arms shook her awake. Her eyes fluttered open, focusing on the person shaking her. She blinked a few times before recognizing those beautiful sky blue eyes staring back at her.

“Clarke..” She whispered.

“I’m right here, love. I’m here.”

Lexa found herself holding onto Clarke for dear life. Crying, shaking slightly, not letting go. The blonde was holding her close to her chest, her eyes expressing how worried she felt.  “Are you okay ?”

“I’m okay now.” Lexa said, her voice soft. “It was just a bad dream.”

Clarke nodded. Lexa refused to talk to her about the dreams she’d been having. It didn’t happen frequently, or at least not as frequently as it used to happen, but it still bothered her. Lexa insisted it was nothing, but Clarke had talked to Octavia anyways. Octavia refused to tell her for months, saying it was Lexa’s choice, but had eventually given up when Clarke had told her that Lexa’s nights consisted of screaming and crying. She wasn’t resting anymore, she woke more tired than she was when she got to bed.

_“She told me she’s been having nightmares since I told her about your cancer.”_

_“Nightmares about what ?”_

_“About…” Octavia hesitated. “Well,  about you.”_

_“Nightmares about me ? I don’t understand.”_

_“Mainly nightmares about you dying. She explained sometimes she dreams about your funeral, or you dying in her arms, or coming home to find you dead on the couch.”_

_“I… That’s awful.” Clarke sighed. “Do you think there’s anything I can do to help her ?”_

_“I’m not sure. I guess you could wake her whenever it happens and show her that you’re alive and well. Or, maybe, holding her close during the night might help as well. Just don’t tell her. She made me swear I wouldn’t talk to you about it.”_

_“I promise I won’t. Thank you, O.”_

It was hard to pretend she didn’t know about those nightmares. She also knew that Lexa had agreed to go see a therapist after the first few months of illness. It had helped her a bit, but the nightmares were still there. Less frequently, but still there.

Haunting her. Leaving her breathless. Forcing her to cry herself back to sleep. Making her opening her eyes unsure if she would find Clarke alive and well.

“Are you ready for my appointment ?”

“I am. Are you ?”

Clarke nodded slightly. They had grown accustomed to driving to the hospital, the nervousness filling the air inside the car. Their fingers interlaced, as Lexa drove them to the place they knew far too much. As she parked the car, Clarke sighed loudly, tired of having to be there. They walked to Clarke’s doctor’s office, where he was waiting for them, results in hand.

“Good morning, girls.”

“Good morning, doctor Jamison.” Clarke and Lexa said at unison.

“Let’s keep this short, shall we ?” Both Clarke and Lexa nodded. “Since you’ve been in remission for five years now, you’re considered cured.”

“Cured ?”

“Yes. After five years of being cancer-free, your considered cured. Of course you still have to come here to get checked up, but you can forget my face for a while.”

Clarke just smiled, while Lexa tried desperately to hold her tears. Of course she wasn’t successful. Clarke hugged Lexa tightly, letting her rest her head on her shoulder.

“Dry those beautiful eyes of yours, my love. I’m healthy.”


End file.
